HAVE YOU EVER DATED A FUCKING LOSER? YEAH, SO HAVE WE. DO YOU VALUE YOUR FUCKING FREEDOM? YEAH, SO DO WE.  JUST REMEMBER: “OOH, IT FEELS [FUCKING] GOOD TO BE [FUCKING] FREE.” JENNY LEWIS, ONCE AGAIN, YOU FUCKING GET IT. 

LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE FUCKING GETS IT. YES, SHE HAS A VERY IN-YOUR-FACE GINGER AFRO, BUT ONCE YOU GET OVER THE SHOCK OF THAT, THERE’S SO MUCH MORE TO THIS TENACIOUS FUCKING UNJUSTIFIED OPTIMIST. FIRST OF ALL, THERE’S NO REASON WHY THIS GIRL SHOULD BE HAPPY. HAVE YOU FUCKING SEEN HER FUCKING LIVING CONDITIONS!? RATS! DIRTY BATHROOMS! UNCOMFORTABLE LOOKING MATTRESSES! HER LIFE IS FUCKING HARD, BUT SHE’S JUST LIKE, “THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW. IN THE MEANTIME I’M GOING TO JUST TAP-DANCE AROUND MY DIRTY ORPHANAGE AND SING ABOUT HOW GOOD MY LIFE MIGHT BE SOMEDAY.” IT’S THIS KIND OF FUCKING ATTITUDE THAT ATTRACTS THE ATTENTION OF FUCKING BILLIONAIRE, MR. FUCKING WARBUCKS, WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO FUCKING ADOPT HER. AND SHE’S LIKE, “I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR MONEY, I JUST WANT TO FIND MY REAL PARENTS.” OH MAN, ANNIE. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOUR CODE OF ETHICS IS ON A WHOLE DIFFERENT LEVEL. I PRAY EVERY DAY THAT A BILLIONAIRE WILL ADOPT ME, AND YOU JUST SHUT HIM DOWN? JESUS. TURNS OUT HER PARENTS ARE DEAD AND SHE GETS KIDNAPPED BY IMPOSTORS AND ALMOST FUCKING KILLED, BUT MR. WARBUCKS SAVES HER, AND ANNIE GOES BACK TO HIS MANSION AND STARTS SINGING AND TAP-DANCING AGAIN LIKE NOTHING EVER FUCKING HAPPENED! AND YOU’RE JUST LIKE “JESUS CHRIST, ANNIE. THAT WAS A FUCKING CLOSE ONE! JUST FUCKING ACCEPT DADDY WARBUCKS’ ADOPTION OFFER, PLZ.” AND SHE DOES. AND THEN THEY DO A TAP DANCE TOGETHER. GODDAMNIT, ANNIE, YOU FUCKING GET IT. 

YO, MOBAMA FUCKING GETS IT. PUT YOUR POLITICS ASIDE FOR A MINUTE AND LET’S GET REAL. SHE HAS A FUCKING LAW DEGREE FROM HARVARD, LIKE, NO BIG DEAL OR ANYTHING. LETTING PEOPLE KNOW IT’S NOT OKAY TO BE A LARGE SACK OF NON-CONTRIBUTING SHIT, SITTING ON YOUR ASS EATING CHEETOS AND WATCHING THE FUCKING KARDASHIANS, SHE’S TEACHING AMERICA ABOUT CHILD OBESITY ONE WHITE HOUSE GARDEN PROJECT AT A TIME. SHOW ME – SHOW ME A WOMAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE (I MEAN TECHINICALLY SHE LIVES THERE) WHOSE BICEPS CAN BOTH THREATEN ME WITH THEIR JACKEDNESS AND ALSO LOOK CLASSY AS FUCK IN J. CREW CARDIGANS. OH, SHE ALSO HAPPENS TO BE MARRIED TO THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED FUCKING STATES. AND THEIR FIRST DATE WAS TO THE MOVIES…TO SEE DO THE RIGHT [FUCKING] THING. GODDAMIT. MICHELLE OBAMA, I’D LIKE TO BE INVITED TO A WHITE HOUSE DINNER SOMETIME…BECAUSE YOU FUCKING GET IT. AND YOU PROBABLY MAKE A KICKASS POT ROAST.

ELLEN AND BETTY DEGENERES FUCKING GET IT. SHOW ME A MORE BADASS MOTHER-DAUGHTER DUO. SRSLY. SHOW ME. YOU CAN’T, CAN YOU? THAT’S CAUSE IT DOESN’T FUCKING EXIST. DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT SPECIAL DAYS ARE IN FUCKING OCTOBER? I’LL TELL YOU, JUST IN CASE: FUCKING NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY. BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH. FUCKING BULLYING PREVENTION AWARENESS MONTH. THESE ARE ALL FUCKING RELEVANT! ELLEN? LESBIAN. BETTY? FIRST NON-GAY SPOKESPERSON FOR NATIONAL FUCKING COMING OUT PROJECT. ELLEN? ANTI-BULLYING ADVOCATE. BETTY? BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR. IS YOUR FUCKING MIND BLOWN? MY MIND IS BLOWN! ON TOP OF ALL THAT, THEY’RE FUCKING HILARIOUS, ADORABLE, AND DANCE IN SUCH A WAY THAT MAKES ME FUCKING ASHAMED OF MY OWN DANCING SKILLS. ELLEN AND BETTY, FUCKING ADOPT ME. YOU FUCKING GET IT.

PEGGY OLSON FUCKING GETS IT. SHE STARTED AS DON DRAPER’S ASSISTANT AND WORKED HER ASS OFF (NOT SEXUALLY) TO BECOME THE MOST IMPORTANT COPYWRITER STERLING COOPER (AND STERLING COOPER DRAPER PRICE) EVER FUCKING SAW. SHE’S FUCKING WEIRD SOMETIMES, BUT IT ONLY MAKES HER THAT MUCH MORE FUCKING AWESOME. SHE STICKS IT TO THE MAN. THE MAN BEING: DON DRAPER, HER INTRUSIVE MOTHER, THE SLUTS WHO TRY TO GET INTO DON DRAPER’S PANTS, JOAN HOLLOWAY (-HARRIS) - WHO ALSO BTW, FUCKING GETS IT - AND EVERY MAN WHO EVER WALKED MADISON AVENUE. SHE STANDS UP TO DON MORE THAN ANYONE HAS EVER DONE, AND DON KNOWS SHE FUCKING GETS IT. (NOT LIKE DONALD DRAPER IS THE AUTHORITY ON WHO FUCKING GETS IT, BECAUSE HE IS KIND OF A MAN WHORE. WE LOVE HIM, BUT COME ON). SHE GETS WHAT IT MEANS TO NOT ONLY LIVE IN A MAN’S WORLD, BUT TO FUCKING OWN IT. DESPITE HER SEEMINGLY TIMID NATURE, PEGGY OLSON FUCKING GETS IT.

ANNE SHIRLEY, AKA ANNE OF GREEN GABLES FUCKING GETS IT. FIRST OF ALL, WE ARE ALL ENVIOUS OF HER AND DIANA’S ADORABLE FUCKING FRIENDSHIP. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO CALL YOUR BFFL “BOSOM FRIEND” AND THEY JUST GOT CREEPED THE FUCK OUT? THEY MUST NOT FUCKING GET IT. I JUST WANT TO STROLL DOWN LOVERS LANE WITH MY FUCKING KINDRED SPIRIT. ANNE IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF PUTTING HOES BEFORE BROS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE SMASHED HER SLATE OVER GILBERT BLYTHE’S HEAD AND THEN DIDN’T TALK TO HIM FOR YEARS? SHE DIDN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HIM! I WOULDN’T EITHER IF DIANA WAS MY BOSOM FRIEND. ANNE WANTED TO PLAY THE FIELD, HAVE SOME GODDAMN FUN, GET A FUCKING EDUCATION. GILBERT CAN FUCKING WAIT. AND HE DOES. SHE DOESN’T ACCEPT HIS PROPOSAL UNTIL THE THIRD BOOK OF THE SERIES, WHICH NO ONE HAS EVER FUCKING READ, BECAUSE NO ONE MAKES IT PAST “ANNE OF AVONLEA” AM I RIGHT? REGARDLESS, ANNE SPENDS HER GLORY YEARS LIKE A GIRL SHOULD: MAKING TERRIBLE HAIR-DYING DECISIONS, BEING ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH HER BEST FRIEND, PUTTING BITCHES LIKE THAT FRIGID MRS. RACHEL IN THEIR FUCKING PLACE, AND IGNORING THE FUCK OUT OF GILBERT. AMEN, ANNE. AMEN. YOU FUCKING GET IT.

I’M FUCKING SAD. I’M ABOUT AS BROKEN UP AS VOLDEMORT’S FUCKING SOUL. IT’S THE END OF AN ERA. FOR ALMOST FIFTEEN YEARS I’VE BEEN ON THE EDGE OF MY FUCKING SEAT, LAUGHING, CRYING, SLAMMING 900 PAGES SHUT IN FRUSTRATION, OPENING THEM BACK UP TO RE-READ, AND MAKING HILARIOUS WIZARD-THEMED JOKES ALONG THE WAY. I’VE BEEN TO FLAMBOYANT MIDNIGHT BOOK RELEASE PARTIES, I’VE KNITTED MYSELF A GRYFFINDOR SCARF, I’VE GOTTEN IN HEATED DEBATES (“OF COURSE YOU CAN’T USE A FUCKING DUPLICATION CHARM ON MONEY, YOU DON’T THINK ALL MINISTRY OF MAGIC-ISSUED CURRENCY HAS FUCKING RESTRICTIONS ON IT?”), I’VE WHISPERED “ALOHOMORA” UNDER MY BREATH AFTER I LOCKED MY KEYS IN MY CAR, JUST IN CASE I’M A FUCKING SQUIB OR SOMETHING AND DON’T KNOW IT YET. AND IF YOU FUCKING GET IT, YOU’VE PROBABLY DONE THESE THINGS TOO. J.K. ROWLING, YOU’VE BROKEN OUR HEARTS ABOUT A MILLION TIMES (END OF BOOK SIX; STILL NOT OVER IT), BUT MORE THAN THAT, YOU’VE GIVEN US AN IRREPLACEABLE CAST OF CHARACTERS IN A SETTING THAT INDULGES THE IMAGINATION OF PEOPLE AGES 5 TO 555 (FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXTRACTED THE ELIXIR OF LIFE FROM THE SOURCERER’S STONE). J.K., YOU’RE A GENIUS AND AN INSPIRATION AND A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING HUMAN BEING. I FUCKING RESPECT YOU. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. IT’S BEEN AN AWESOME FUCKING RIDE. YOU FUCKING GET IT.

HYACINTH BUCKET (PRONOUNCED BOUQUET, LEST YOU MAKE THE MISTAKE YOU FUCKING WANKER) FUCKING GETS IT. SHE’S A SNOB, WELL INTO HER SEVENTIES WHOSE ONLY FUCKING CONCERN IS HER PLACE IN SOCIETY — WHICH BREAKS DOWN TO NOTHING MORE THAN BEING A STEREOTYPICAL OLD BRITISH LADY LIVING IN SOME FUCKING PLACE LIKE COVENTRY, HOSTING CANDLE LIGHT SUPPERS. HER UNDYING OBSESSION WITH IMPORTANT PEOPLE ABOUT TOWN, LIKE THE FUCKING VICAR (WHAT THE FUCK IS A VICAR?) MAKES FOR COMIC GOLD. AND WHEN SHE TALKS ABOUT HER SISTER VIOLET, “THE ONE WITH THE MERCEDES, SWIMMING POOL, AND ROOM FOR A [FUCKING] PONY,” YOU JUST SIT ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT, WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH (THAT VIOLET IS ACTUALLY IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL MARRIAGE WITH A GUY WHO SEEMS TOTALLY GAY), AND TO SEE HOW HYACINTH WILL SLOPPILY TRY TO COVER IT UP TO MAINTAIN HER REPUTATION. HYACINTH BUCKET IS THE ADROABLE, DEMANDING, HAUTE MONDE GRANDMA YOU ALWAYS WISH YOU HAD. AND IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT SHE FUCKING GETS IT.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, THERE WERE FIVE AMERICAN GIRL DOLLS: FELICITY, KIRSTEN, ADDY, SAMANTHA, AND MOLLY. SINCE THEN, THEY’VE ADDED A FEW MORE DOLLS AND A LOT MORE DIVERSITY. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY “KIT” AND “KAYA”, YOU GIRLS LOOK FUCKING ADORABLE, BUT I’M GOING TO STICK TO THE BITCHES I KNOW AND TRUST. WE COULD ARGUE FOR YEARS (AND WE DO) ABOUT WHO FUCKING GETS IT THE MOST, BUT LETS CUT THE BULLSHIT AND LAY IT ALL OUT ON THE TABLE: FELICITY’S FUCKING HOT, HAS AWESOME OUTFITS, AND WAS A HEADSTRONG TOMBOY. ADDY WAS CLEARLY THE BIGGEST BADASS…COME ON. SHE WAS A SLAVE. WHILE FELICITY IS WORRYING ABOUT THE SAFETY OF HER BELOVED HORSE PENNY, ADDY IS WATCHING HER FATHER GET FUCKING SOLD AND THEN SAVING HER MOTHER FROM DROWNING AS THEY ESCAPE THROUGH THE WOODS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT FOR FREEDOM. SAMANTHA, THE OXYMORONIC RICH ORPHAN LIVED WITH HER LOADED BUT FRIGID BITCH OF A “GRANDMARY” AND CAME WITH AWESOME RICH-GIRL ACCESSORIES THAT WE COULD ONLY DREAM OF OWNING. AND MOLLY IS A LOVABLE TAP-DANCING NERD THAT WE ALL WANTED TO BE FUCKING BEST FRIENDS WITH AND WHO MADE US FEEL BETTER ABOUT OUR GLASSES.  EACH WERE BEAUTIFUL, HEADSTRONG AND PROGRESSIVE YOUNG LADIES WITH AWESOME FUCKING HAIR THAT WAS FUN TO BRAID. AMERICAN GIRLS, YOU FUCKING GET IT.

YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING, WHAT ABOUT KIRSTEN? OH YEAH, I FORGOT ABOUT HER BECAUSE SHE’S BORING AND THE RECIPE FOR SAINT LUCIA BUNS THAT CAME WITH ONE OF HER BOOKS WAS FUCKING DISGUSTING. FIGHT ME ON THIS, I DARE YOU.