SHE FUCKING GETS IT
DOLLY PARTON FUCKING GETS IT. I DON’T CARE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT COUNTRY MUSIC, THIS BADASS BITCH HAS BEEN AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN SINCE SHE STARTED IN THE BIZ, IN THE 19-FUCKING-60s. WHEN HER FUCKING RECORD LABEL TOLD HER SHE COUDLN’T RELEASE A COUNTRY ALBUM, BECAUSE THEY WANTED HER TO KEEP DOING FUCKING POP MUSIC, SHE WROTE A SONG THAT WENT TO NUMBER SIX ON THE CHARTS, AND THE DUDES AT THE LABEL WERE LIKE, “OKAY FINE, FINE! YOU WIN BECAUSE YOU ARE FUCKING GOLD.” SINCE THEN SHE’S WRITTEN 3,000 FUCKING SONGS, BROKEN RECORDS WITH #1 HITS, HAS RECEIVED A SHIT-TON OF AWARDS AND HONORS, AND SHE HAS HER OWN FUCKING AMUSEMENT PARK. LET’S ALSO NOT FORGET HER INCREDIBLE ACTING CAREER WHICH INCLUDES SUCH POWERFUL FILMS AS STEEL FUCKING MAGNOLIAS (EVERYONE’S FAVORITE MOVIE), AND 9 TO 5, WHERE SHE KIDNAPS HER SEXIST, MISOGYNISTIC BOSS, WHOM EVERYBODY FUCKING HATES, AND BLACKMAILS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. WITHOUT GIVING ANYTHING AWAY, DOLLY’S CHARACTER, DORALEE, IS REIGNED A FUCKING HERO. DOLLY PARTON: I’D LIKE TO MEET YOU, DRINK WHISKEY WITH YOU, GO TO DOLLYWOOD WITH YOU, AND GET SAGE ADVICE FROM YOU ON HOW TO BE A BADASS. YOU FUCKING GET IT.

DOLLY PARTON FUCKING GETS IT. I DON’T CARE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT COUNTRY MUSIC, THIS BADASS BITCH HAS BEEN AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN SINCE SHE STARTED IN THE BIZ, IN THE 19-FUCKING-60s. WHEN HER FUCKING RECORD LABEL TOLD HER SHE COUDLN’T RELEASE A COUNTRY ALBUM, BECAUSE THEY WANTED HER TO KEEP DOING FUCKING POP MUSIC, SHE WROTE A SONG THAT WENT TO NUMBER SIX ON THE CHARTS, AND THE DUDES AT THE LABEL WERE LIKE, “OKAY FINE, FINE! YOU WIN BECAUSE YOU ARE FUCKING GOLD.” SINCE THEN SHE’S WRITTEN 3,000 FUCKING SONGS, BROKEN RECORDS WITH #1 HITS, HAS RECEIVED A SHIT-TON OF AWARDS AND HONORS, AND SHE HAS HER OWN FUCKING AMUSEMENT PARK. LET’S ALSO NOT FORGET HER INCREDIBLE ACTING CAREER WHICH INCLUDES SUCH POWERFUL FILMS AS STEEL FUCKING MAGNOLIAS (EVERYONE’S FAVORITE MOVIE), AND 9 TO 5, WHERE SHE KIDNAPS HER SEXIST, MISOGYNISTIC BOSS, WHOM EVERYBODY FUCKING HATES, AND BLACKMAILS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. WITHOUT GIVING ANYTHING AWAY, DOLLY’S CHARACTER, DORALEE, IS REIGNED A FUCKING HERO. DOLLY PARTON: I’D LIKE TO MEET YOU, DRINK WHISKEY WITH YOU, GO TO DOLLYWOOD WITH YOU, AND GET SAGE ADVICE FROM YOU ON HOW TO BE A BADASS. YOU FUCKING GET IT.

FIRST OF ALL, SORRY WE’VE BEEN M.I.A. WE HAVE NO EXCUSE OTHER THAN WE’VE BEEN TRYING TO DEAL WITH THE MUNDANITIES OF HAVING JOBS AND LIVING IN NEW YORK. BUT THAT’S NOT WHY WE’RE HERE.
HAVE YOU GUYS EVER HEARD ABOUT ELEANOR ROOSEVELT? YEAH, YOU’VE HEARD ABOUT HER, BUT DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH SHE FUCKING GETS IT? BITCH WAS THE FIRST FIRST LADY TO EVER REALLY STAND ON HER FUCKING FEET. SHE WAS THE FIRST FIRST LADY TO HOLD PRESS CONFERENCES, AND PUBLICLY DISAGREE WITH HER HUSBAND’S POLICIES, AND FUCKING LOVE BLACK PEOPLE. AND YOU KNOW HOW LIKE, WE’VE ALL COME A LONG WAY AND HAVE BECOME REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT BEING BADASS BITCHES? WELL, ELEANOR KNEW WHAT WE WERE CAPABLE OF WAY BEFORE THE REST OF US DID. SHE’S LIKE, “A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG; YOU CAN’T TELL HOW [FUCKING] STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT [FUCKING] WATER.” FUCK YEAH. PUT ME IN SOME FUCKING HOT WATER. SEE WHAT HAPPENS! ELEANOR, THANKS FOR YOUR CANDOR AND YOUR WIT AND YOUR EARLY TWENTIETH CENTURY BADASS SELF. YOU FUCKING TAUGHT US HOW TO FUCKING GET IT.

FIRST OF ALL, SORRY WE’VE BEEN M.I.A. WE HAVE NO EXCUSE OTHER THAN WE’VE BEEN TRYING TO DEAL WITH THE MUNDANITIES OF HAVING JOBS AND LIVING IN NEW YORK. BUT THAT’S NOT WHY WE’RE HERE.

HAVE YOU GUYS EVER HEARD ABOUT ELEANOR ROOSEVELT? YEAH, YOU’VE HEARD ABOUT HER, BUT DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH SHE FUCKING GETS IT? BITCH WAS THE FIRST FIRST LADY TO EVER REALLY STAND ON HER FUCKING FEET. SHE WAS THE FIRST FIRST LADY TO HOLD PRESS CONFERENCES, AND PUBLICLY DISAGREE WITH HER HUSBAND’S POLICIES, AND FUCKING LOVE BLACK PEOPLE. AND YOU KNOW HOW LIKE, WE’VE ALL COME A LONG WAY AND HAVE BECOME REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT BEING BADASS BITCHES? WELL, ELEANOR KNEW WHAT WE WERE CAPABLE OF WAY BEFORE THE REST OF US DID. SHE’S LIKE, “A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG; YOU CAN’T TELL HOW [FUCKING] STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT [FUCKING] WATER.” FUCK YEAH. PUT ME IN SOME FUCKING HOT WATER. SEE WHAT HAPPENS! ELEANOR, THANKS FOR YOUR CANDOR AND YOUR WIT AND YOUR EARLY TWENTIETH CENTURY BADASS SELF. YOU FUCKING TAUGHT US HOW TO FUCKING GET IT.

AAAAAHHHH YOU GUYS.  FIONA APPLE FUCKING. GETS. IT.  ALSO, FIONA APPLE SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. IF I SAW HER ON THE STREET, I’D PROBABLY DIVE INTO A BUSH TO HIDE AND PEEK OUT AT HER AND WHISPER, “I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH,” UNDER MY BREATH AS I WATCHED HER PASS BY. SHE’S JUST THE BIGGEST FUCKING BADASS TO EVER EVEN LIVE. I’M CONVINCED SHE’S THE STRONGEST FUCKING LADY IN THE WORLD. FIONA’S JUST LIKE, “OH YEAH? WELL, I HAD TO BREAK THE WINDOW, BECAUSE IT WAS IN  MY WAY,”  WHICH IS EVERY GIRL’S ULTIMATE DREAM SCENARIO. WE WALK INTO A ROOM AND WE’RE SUPER MAD AND WE PUNCH OUT A WINDOW. BUT THEN WE’RE LIKE “OH SORRY, HAD TO BREAK THE WINDOW, IT WAS IN MY WAY.” BUT THEN WE’RE LIKE “P.S. I’M SUPER SORRY ABOUT THAT. HOPE YOU STILL GET YOUR SECURITY DEPOSIT BACK. HERE’S MY NUMBER. HAVE YOUR LANDLORD CALL ME. I’LL GET THIS FIXED. SO SORRY.” AND THAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND FIONA APPLE. BECAUSE SHE WOULD NEVER CARE ABOUT A FUCKING SECURITY DEPOSIT. BECAUSE SHE’S FUCKING SINCERE AS SHIT, AND WOULD ONLY BREAK YOUR WINDOW IF YOU DESERVED IT, AND LOVED YOU IF YOU DESERVED IT, AND TREAT YOU WELL IF YOU DESERVED IT, AND KILL YOU IF YOU DESERVED IT.   FIONA: YOU REAL, FUCKING CRAZY, FUCKING SULLEN GIRL, THANKS FOR SCREAMING WHAT ALL THE REST OF US ARE TOO SCARED TO SAY. YOU FUCKING GET IT.

HAVE YOU EVER DATED A FUCKING LOSER? YEAH, SO HAVE WE. DO YOU VALUE YOUR FUCKING FREEDOM? YEAH, SO DO WE.  JUST REMEMBER: “OOH, IT FEELS [FUCKING] GOOD TO BE [FUCKING] FREE.” JENNY LEWIS, ONCE AGAIN, YOU FUCKING GET IT. 

LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE FUCKING GETS IT. YES, SHE HAS A VERY IN-YOUR-FACE GINGER AFRO, BUT ONCE YOU GET OVER THE SHOCK OF THAT, THERE’S SO MUCH MORE TO THIS TENACIOUS FUCKING UNJUSTIFIED OPTIMIST. FIRST OF ALL, THERE’S NO REASON WHY THIS GIRL SHOULD BE HAPPY. HAVE YOU FUCKING SEEN HER FUCKING LIVING CONDITIONS!? RATS! DIRTY BATHROOMS! UNCOMFORTABLE LOOKING MATTRESSES! HER LIFE IS FUCKING HARD, BUT SHE’S JUST LIKE, “THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW. IN THE MEANTIME I’M GOING TO JUST TAP-DANCE AROUND MY DIRTY ORPHANAGE AND SING ABOUT HOW GOOD MY LIFE MIGHT BE SOMEDAY.” IT’S THIS KIND OF FUCKING ATTITUDE THAT ATTRACTS THE ATTENTION OF FUCKING BILLIONAIRE, MR. FUCKING WARBUCKS, WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO FUCKING ADOPT HER. AND SHE’S LIKE, “I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR MONEY, I JUST WANT TO FIND MY REAL PARENTS.” OH MAN, ANNIE. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOUR CODE OF ETHICS IS ON A WHOLE DIFFERENT LEVEL. I PRAY EVERY DAY THAT A BILLIONAIRE WILL ADOPT ME, AND YOU JUST SHUT HIM DOWN? JESUS. TURNS OUT HER PARENTS ARE DEAD AND SHE GETS KIDNAPPED BY IMPOSTORS AND ALMOST FUCKING KILLED, BUT MR. WARBUCKS SAVES HER, AND ANNIE GOES BACK TO HIS MANSION AND STARTS SINGING AND TAP-DANCING AGAIN LIKE NOTHING EVER FUCKING HAPPENED! AND YOU’RE JUST LIKE “JESUS CHRIST, ANNIE. THAT WAS A FUCKING CLOSE ONE! JUST FUCKING ACCEPT DADDY WARBUCKS’ ADOPTION OFFER, PLZ.” AND SHE DOES. AND THEN THEY DO A TAP DANCE TOGETHER. GODDAMNIT, ANNIE, YOU FUCKING GET IT. 

LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE FUCKING GETS IT. YES, SHE HAS A VERY IN-YOUR-FACE GINGER AFRO, BUT ONCE YOU GET OVER THE SHOCK OF THAT, THERE’S SO MUCH MORE TO THIS TENACIOUS FUCKING UNJUSTIFIED OPTIMIST. FIRST OF ALL, THERE’S NO REASON WHY THIS GIRL SHOULD BE HAPPY. HAVE YOU FUCKING SEEN HER FUCKING LIVING CONDITIONS!? RATS! DIRTY BATHROOMS! UNCOMFORTABLE LOOKING MATTRESSES! HER LIFE IS FUCKING HARD, BUT SHE’S JUST LIKE, “THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW. IN THE MEANTIME I’M GOING TO JUST TAP-DANCE AROUND MY DIRTY ORPHANAGE AND SING ABOUT HOW GOOD MY LIFE MIGHT BE SOMEDAY.” IT’S THIS KIND OF FUCKING ATTITUDE THAT ATTRACTS THE ATTENTION OF FUCKING BILLIONAIRE, MR. FUCKING WARBUCKS, WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO FUCKING ADOPT HER. AND SHE’S LIKE, “I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR MONEY, I JUST WANT TO FIND MY REAL PARENTS.” OH MAN, ANNIE. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOUR CODE OF ETHICS IS ON A WHOLE DIFFERENT LEVEL. I PRAY EVERY DAY THAT A BILLIONAIRE WILL ADOPT ME, AND YOU JUST SHUT HIM DOWN? JESUS. TURNS OUT HER PARENTS ARE DEAD AND SHE GETS KIDNAPPED BY IMPOSTORS AND ALMOST FUCKING KILLED, BUT MR. WARBUCKS SAVES HER, AND ANNIE GOES BACK TO HIS MANSION AND STARTS SINGING AND TAP-DANCING AGAIN LIKE NOTHING EVER FUCKING HAPPENED! AND YOU’RE JUST LIKE “JESUS CHRIST, ANNIE. THAT WAS A FUCKING CLOSE ONE! JUST FUCKING ACCEPT DADDY WARBUCKS’ ADOPTION OFFER, PLZ.” AND SHE DOES. AND THEN THEY DO A TAP DANCE TOGETHER. GODDAMNIT, ANNIE, YOU FUCKING GET IT. 


BLUE IVY CARTER FUCKING GETS IT. BITCH CLEARED OUT AN ENTIRE FUCKING WING OF LENOX HILL HOSPITAL LIKE, “HEY WORLD I’M FUCKING HERE. OH, AND I’VE ALREADY BEEN FEATURED IN A FUCKING JAY-Z (MY DAD, BTW) SONG.” BLUE, YOU ARE GONNA FUCKING GET IT LIKE NO BABY EVER FUCKING HAS. HOW MANY GRAMMYS ARE YOU GONNA HELP WIN JUST BY VIRTUE OF BEING ALIVE? COUNTLESS. YOU FUCKING GET IT AND YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING REALIZE IT. YOU’VE BEEN A BADASS SINCE DAY ONE, WHICH WAS TODAY. YOU FUCKING GET IT ALREADY.

BLUE IVY CARTER FUCKING GETS IT. BITCH CLEARED OUT AN ENTIRE FUCKING WING OF LENOX HILL HOSPITAL LIKE, “HEY WORLD I’M FUCKING HERE. OH, AND I’VE ALREADY BEEN FEATURED IN A FUCKING JAY-Z (MY DAD, BTW) SONG.” BLUE, YOU ARE GONNA FUCKING GET IT LIKE NO BABY EVER FUCKING HAS. HOW MANY GRAMMYS ARE YOU GONNA HELP WIN JUST BY VIRTUE OF BEING ALIVE? COUNTLESS. YOU FUCKING GET IT AND YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING REALIZE IT. YOU’VE BEEN A BADASS SINCE DAY ONE, WHICH WAS TODAY. YOU FUCKING GET IT ALREADY.

YO, MOBAMA FUCKING GETS IT. PUT YOUR POLITICS ASIDE FOR A MINUTE AND LET’S GET REAL. SHE HAS A FUCKING LAW DEGREE FROM HARVARD, LIKE, NO BIG DEAL OR ANYTHING. LETTING PEOPLE KNOW IT’S NOT OKAY TO BE A LARGE SACK OF NON-CONTRIBUTING SHIT, SITTING ON YOUR ASS EATING CHEETOS AND WATCHING THE FUCKING KARDASHIANS, SHE’S TEACHING AMERICA ABOUT CHILD OBESITY ONE WHITE HOUSE GARDEN PROJECT AT A TIME. SHOW ME – SHOW ME A WOMAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE (I MEAN TECHINICALLY SHE LIVES THERE) WHOSE BICEPS CAN BOTH THREATEN ME WITH THEIR JACKEDNESS AND ALSO LOOK CLASSY AS FUCK IN J. CREW CARDIGANS. OH, SHE ALSO HAPPENS TO BE MARRIED TO THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED FUCKING STATES. AND THEIR FIRST DATE WAS TO THE MOVIES…TO SEE DO THE RIGHT [FUCKING] THING. GODDAMIT. MICHELLE OBAMA, I’D LIKE TO BE INVITED TO A WHITE HOUSE DINNER SOMETIME…BECAUSE YOU FUCKING GET IT. AND YOU PROBABLY MAKE A KICKASS POT ROAST.

YO, MOBAMA FUCKING GETS IT. PUT YOUR POLITICS ASIDE FOR A MINUTE AND LET’S GET REAL. SHE HAS A FUCKING LAW DEGREE FROM HARVARD, LIKE, NO BIG DEAL OR ANYTHING. LETTING PEOPLE KNOW IT’S NOT OKAY TO BE A LARGE SACK OF NON-CONTRIBUTING SHIT, SITTING ON YOUR ASS EATING CHEETOS AND WATCHING THE FUCKING KARDASHIANS, SHE’S TEACHING AMERICA ABOUT CHILD OBESITY ONE WHITE HOUSE GARDEN PROJECT AT A TIME. SHOW ME – SHOW ME A WOMAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE (I MEAN TECHINICALLY SHE LIVES THERE) WHOSE BICEPS CAN BOTH THREATEN ME WITH THEIR JACKEDNESS AND ALSO LOOK CLASSY AS FUCK IN J. CREW CARDIGANS. OH, SHE ALSO HAPPENS TO BE MARRIED TO THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED FUCKING STATES. AND THEIR FIRST DATE WAS TO THE MOVIES…TO SEE DO THE RIGHT [FUCKING] THING. GODDAMIT. MICHELLE OBAMA, I’D LIKE TO BE INVITED TO A WHITE HOUSE DINNER SOMETIME…BECAUSE YOU FUCKING GET IT. AND YOU PROBABLY MAKE A KICKASS POT ROAST.

ELLEN AND BETTY DEGENERES FUCKING GET IT. SHOW ME A MORE BADASS MOTHER-DAUGHTER DUO. SRSLY. SHOW ME. YOU CAN’T, CAN YOU? THAT’S CAUSE IT DOESN’T FUCKING EXIST. DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT SPECIAL DAYS ARE IN FUCKING OCTOBER? I’LL TELL YOU, JUST IN CASE: FUCKING NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY. BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH. FUCKING BULLYING PREVENTION AWARENESS MONTH. THESE ARE ALL FUCKING RELEVANT! ELLEN? LESBIAN. BETTY? FIRST NON-GAY SPOKESPERSON FOR NATIONAL FUCKING COMING OUT PROJECT. ELLEN? ANTI-BULLYING ADVOCATE. BETTY? BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR. IS YOUR FUCKING MIND BLOWN? MY MIND IS BLOWN! ON TOP OF ALL THAT, THEY’RE FUCKING HILARIOUS, ADORABLE, AND DANCE IN SUCH A WAY THAT MAKES ME FUCKING ASHAMED OF MY OWN DANCING SKILLS. ELLEN AND BETTY, FUCKING ADOPT ME. YOU FUCKING GET IT.

PEGGY OLSON FUCKING GETS IT. SHE STARTED AS DON DRAPER’S ASSISTANT AND WORKED HER ASS OFF (NOT SEXUALLY) TO BECOME THE MOST IMPORTANT COPYWRITER STERLING COOPER (AND STERLING COOPER DRAPER PRICE) EVER FUCKING SAW. SHE’S FUCKING WEIRD SOMETIMES, BUT IT ONLY MAKES HER THAT MUCH MORE FUCKING AWESOME. SHE STICKS IT TO THE MAN. THE MAN BEING: DON DRAPER, HER INTRUSIVE MOTHER, THE SLUTS WHO TRY TO GET INTO DON DRAPER’S PANTS, JOAN HOLLOWAY (-HARRIS) - WHO ALSO BTW, FUCKING GETS IT - AND EVERY MAN WHO EVER WALKED MADISON AVENUE. SHE STANDS UP TO DON MORE THAN ANYONE HAS EVER DONE, AND DON KNOWS SHE  FUCKING GETS IT. (NOT LIKE DONALD DRAPER IS THE AUTHORITY ON WHO FUCKING  GETS IT, BECAUSE HE IS KIND OF A MAN WHORE. WE LOVE HIM, BUT COME ON). SHE GETS WHAT IT MEANS TO NOT ONLY LIVE IN A MAN’S WORLD, BUT TO FUCKING OWN IT. DESPITE HER SEEMINGLY TIMID NATURE, PEGGY OLSON FUCKING GETS IT.

PEGGY OLSON FUCKING GETS IT. SHE STARTED AS DON DRAPER’S ASSISTANT AND WORKED HER ASS OFF (NOT SEXUALLY) TO BECOME THE MOST IMPORTANT COPYWRITER STERLING COOPER (AND STERLING COOPER DRAPER PRICE) EVER FUCKING SAW. SHE’S FUCKING WEIRD SOMETIMES, BUT IT ONLY MAKES HER THAT MUCH MORE FUCKING AWESOME. SHE STICKS IT TO THE MAN. THE MAN BEING: DON DRAPER, HER INTRUSIVE MOTHER, THE SLUTS WHO TRY TO GET INTO DON DRAPER’S PANTS, JOAN HOLLOWAY (-HARRIS) - WHO ALSO BTW, FUCKING GETS IT - AND EVERY MAN WHO EVER WALKED MADISON AVENUE. SHE STANDS UP TO DON MORE THAN ANYONE HAS EVER DONE, AND DON KNOWS SHE FUCKING GETS IT. (NOT LIKE DONALD DRAPER IS THE AUTHORITY ON WHO FUCKING GETS IT, BECAUSE HE IS KIND OF A MAN WHORE. WE LOVE HIM, BUT COME ON). SHE GETS WHAT IT MEANS TO NOT ONLY LIVE IN A MAN’S WORLD, BUT TO FUCKING OWN IT. DESPITE HER SEEMINGLY TIMID NATURE, PEGGY OLSON FUCKING GETS IT.

ANNE SHIRLEY, AKA ANNE OF GREEN GABLES FUCKING GETS IT. FIRST OF ALL, WE ARE ALL ENVIOUS OF HER AND DIANA’S ADORABLE FUCKING FRIENDSHIP. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO CALL YOUR BFFL “BOSOM FRIEND” AND THEY JUST GOT CREEPED THE FUCK OUT? THEY MUST NOT FUCKING GET IT. I JUST WANT TO STROLL DOWN LOVERS LANE WITH MY FUCKING KINDRED SPIRIT. ANNE IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF PUTTING HOES BEFORE BROS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE SMASHED HER SLATE OVER GILBERT BLYTHE’S HEAD AND THEN DIDN’T TALK TO HIM FOR YEARS? SHE DIDN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HIM! I WOULDN’T EITHER IF DIANA WAS MY BOSOM FRIEND. ANNE WANTED TO PLAY THE FIELD, HAVE SOME GODDAMN FUN, GET A FUCKING EDUCATION. GILBERT CAN FUCKING WAIT. AND HE DOES. SHE DOESN’T ACCEPT HIS PROPOSAL UNTIL THE THIRD BOOK OF THE SERIES, WHICH NO ONE HAS EVER FUCKING READ, BECAUSE NO ONE MAKES IT PAST “ANNE OF AVONLEA” AM I RIGHT? REGARDLESS, ANNE SPENDS HER GLORY YEARS LIKE A GIRL SHOULD: MAKING TERRIBLE HAIR-DYING DECISIONS, BEING ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH HER BEST FRIEND, PUTTING BITCHES LIKE THAT FRIGID MRS. RACHEL IN THEIR FUCKING PLACE, AND IGNORING THE FUCK OUT OF GILBERT. AMEN, ANNE. AMEN. YOU FUCKING GET IT.

ANNE SHIRLEY, AKA ANNE OF GREEN GABLES FUCKING GETS IT. FIRST OF ALL, WE ARE ALL ENVIOUS OF HER AND DIANA’S ADORABLE FUCKING FRIENDSHIP. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO CALL YOUR BFFL “BOSOM FRIEND” AND THEY JUST GOT CREEPED THE FUCK OUT? THEY MUST NOT FUCKING GET IT. I JUST WANT TO STROLL DOWN LOVERS LANE WITH MY FUCKING KINDRED SPIRIT. ANNE IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF PUTTING HOES BEFORE BROS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE SMASHED HER SLATE OVER GILBERT BLYTHE’S HEAD AND THEN DIDN’T TALK TO HIM FOR YEARS? SHE DIDN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HIM! I WOULDN’T EITHER IF DIANA WAS MY BOSOM FRIEND. ANNE WANTED TO PLAY THE FIELD, HAVE SOME GODDAMN FUN, GET A FUCKING EDUCATION. GILBERT CAN FUCKING WAIT. AND HE DOES. SHE DOESN’T ACCEPT HIS PROPOSAL UNTIL THE THIRD BOOK OF THE SERIES, WHICH NO ONE HAS EVER FUCKING READ, BECAUSE NO ONE MAKES IT PAST “ANNE OF AVONLEA” AM I RIGHT? REGARDLESS, ANNE SPENDS HER GLORY YEARS LIKE A GIRL SHOULD: MAKING TERRIBLE HAIR-DYING DECISIONS, BEING ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH HER BEST FRIEND, PUTTING BITCHES LIKE THAT FRIGID MRS. RACHEL IN THEIR FUCKING PLACE, AND IGNORING THE FUCK OUT OF GILBERT. AMEN, ANNE. AMEN. YOU FUCKING GET IT.